Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Wednesday Revevlations

I'm not a good mom when I'm tired, especially to Max. Yeah, I know the title says "Wednesday," but it actually hit me last night. Don't know why I never noticed before. Probably because I was, well, tired.

Max was challenging yesterday. Tired too, I think. There was lots of crying, hitting, throwing, going boneless, and once he very purposely pushed Chance (still unsteady on his haunches) over backwards making him cry. I have to admit I felt rather pleased when Max's bottom lip started to quiver. At least he felt bad about it.

As I was struggling with Max to put him to bed I noticed my anger rise. In typical female fashion I've got a laundry list of things I can do better but I see myself as generally patient. This seemingly sudden appearance of a short temper has gotten my attention. Where did that come from? Why am I yelling at a three-year-old? If something should happen to him or to me during the night is this how I want our last moments to be? Wack-a-doo thoughts of an exhausted momma.

The thing is, Max doesn't talk. With the exception of a handful of signs and lots of pointing and grunting he can't tell me what he needs. He can't yell at me. He can't tell me what hurts or why he's sad. He gets frustrated, I get frustrated, I loose my temper and I feel like a bad momma. I must remember to take a step back and take a deep breath and start again.  

Twice today I encountered women who look (to me) like they are handling this motherhood thing better than me and both times I cried about it.

The first was at pick-up while we mommas (and a few daddies and a grammy or two) gathered in the subarctic temperatures waiting for our kiddos to come smiling out the school doors. She arrived in her Pumas and skinny jeans, this momma who is always happy, bubbly and eager to chat with her other momma friends. I've heard her say she has a daughter, and I know her son has special needs. Not sure what they are but he's in Max's substantially separate classroom, so.... What's different about this momma and me? She's not exhausted. In her case it's probably because she doesn't have a paying job sucking the life energy from her bones. I watched her for a minute or two until Max came out. My tears fell onto his belly as I buckled him into his seat.

The second happened only minutes before I began writing this post. Catching up on the blogs I follow, I read the rants of a stay-at-home momma of three in Florida who spent hours trying to learn patterns on her daughter's Rainbow Loom. She actually had the time and energy to do that. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't A LOT jealous.

Priorities, that's what it boils down to. I need to make sleep one of mine. Much easier said than done, especially as a tag-team parent. But Max needs me to be a good momma. He needs me to be patient. He needs me to play with him and teach him. He needs a momma who's happy and energized. Chance needs me too, but right now his most pressing needs are basic. Food, sleep and a clean bum. Max needs a parent, a teacher, a guide, a friend, a playmate.

So, this isn't a resolution. It's not something I'm gonna say I'll do and then give up in three weeks when it gets hard or boring. This needs to be a real change. A change that will benefit my health, my parenting skills, and my relationship with my boys.

Here's to sleep! And before I head off to my bed, a few cute pics.


  1. You are a good momma always. You are doing the best with what you have... however I agree fully and am making changes in my life for the same reasons. Don't be too hard on yourself motherhood is harder than ever and both boys are smart and loving and beautiful.

    1. And you know I feel the same way in return. It's hard not be hard oneself. I think it's what mommas do. :)